News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
