you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
