its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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