Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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