I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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