Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
