also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
