I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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