The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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