So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
