who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
