i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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