Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
