mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm too high and old for this...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
