i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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