I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
