Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
