i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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