Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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