You made me cry and you don't even care
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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