Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
