I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize