I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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