So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
