I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
