I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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