I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
