nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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