VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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