So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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