she woke up with a sticky ear
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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