Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
