Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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