Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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