the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize