I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
