in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
