I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
