I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
