Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
