Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
