I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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