I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if only i could text you this smell
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
