I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
