We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
