I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
