I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
