Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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