my phone needs a breathalizer
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
