The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
