my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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