After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
