I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
