I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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