we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
