So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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