If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
