I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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