I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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