I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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