I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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