she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize