So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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