Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize