Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
